


Don't Go Into the Dark, I'll Be Your Light

by nctinee



Series: Oh How I Missed Your Saccharine Smile [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: And Yuta gives him one, Angst with a Happy Ending, Brotherly Love, Card Games, Light Angst, Moon Taeil needs a hug, Nakamoto Yuta-centric, Platonic Cuddling, Sad with a Happy Ending, Soft Park Jisung (NCT), This is some real family bonding right here, You bet your ass these nerds played Go-Fish, friendship!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-14
Updated: 2020-03-14
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:13:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23113759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nctinee/pseuds/nctinee
Summary: It’s not that he doesn’t think the members don’t care, no. It’s never that. They’re family. They love each other. But it was different after an album dropped. They all just kind of split apart, despite having to still be around one another because of the promotions.Alternatively: When Taeil breaks after 'Neo Zone' releases, and Yuta is the only one who notices, because he's breaking too.
Relationships: Moon Taeil & Nakamoto Yuta
Series: Oh How I Missed Your Saccharine Smile [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1730611
Comments: 6
Kudos: 88





	Don't Go Into the Dark, I'll Be Your Light

**Author's Note:**

> Okay I saw people pointing out how Yuta and Taeil looked sad in the reaction video cos no one was complimenting them and I just wanna give my boys some lovin' so here's me going on a rant :) enjoy

With every repeat of _“I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine,”_ Yuta finds it harder to put faith behind the words. Everything nowadays has felt rushed and slow at the same time, and he finds it harder and harder to try and pull through the days with a genuine smile on his face. The album has been released, their practices have let up some, and the company has stopped being so uptight with them, but the looming thought of going on variety shows and speaking to crowds and the concerts hang over the nine members like a dark cloud, stress still heavy on their shoulders.

Donghyuck, Jungwoo, and Johnny try to make the best of everything, ever the positive and bubbly people of the group. They laugh and crack jokes and smile like it’s easy, and Yuta gets jealous. He’s a happy guy, yeah, but this comeback is so much bigger than the others because he plays a part in this one. He’s got more than backing vocals and ten seconds in the center spotlight in the choreography, and he’s been putting 110% into everything because that’s just who he _is_ , and he just can’t find the energy to smile anymore. 

Taeyong and Doyoung hang back in practice rooms and recording studios to perfect the moves and notes that they’ve been practicing for months, hellbent to prove themselves in an industry Yuta thinks wants them to fail most of the time. Just watching them makes him more tired than he already is, but his mind reacts in an unconscious way to get up and join them anyways because he’s still got a long way to go to perfection, and that he will never reach the level of grace Taeyong has when he dances, or have the smoothness of Doyoung's voice as he hits high note after high note. He tries not to leave the dorm too much, or stare at the entryway to the gym down the street because he knows he’ll have the need to perfect things he can’t control much anymore.

He sees Jaehyun and Mark hang out in their rooms reading and playing their instruments like everything is normal, like they don’t have millions and millions of people watching them every second to spot a mistake or a tiny little flaw to use as an excuse to hate them. Jaehyun plays more piano and walks around shirtless because he can, and Mark shoves his little camcorder in everyone’s faces for a video journal he’s doing and giggles at every other sentence because he finds something to laugh at and is easy going like that. Yuta doesn’t understand how it’s so _easy_ for them, and how they can just go on like they aren’t just beginning some of the hardest months of their lives. It doesn’t make sense to him because he doesn’t find any of this easy, unlike Mark who had to explain to him once that he’s been doing this since he was 12, the stress just numbing to a dull throb because he’s been expected to do everything since a young age. Yuta still doesn’t get it.

The only person he doesn’t see is Taeil. 

The oldest member disappears once the album releases, burrowing himself in their room or in the practice room. Every time he sits down to watch a drama or eat a meal, his leg bounces and he looks paler and paler as the days wear on, but no one seems to notice. Donghyuck throws some glances his way on occasion, but then he’s being pulled into laughter by Mark or Jungwoo, and he forgets. It seems like they all forget when they’re wrapped up in their own things, but Yuta notices. He notices when Taeil slips out of their room at 1 in the morning and returns a few hours later, or when he tells the others to leave the practice room without him, and that he’ll catch up with them back at the dorms. He gets worried, but he doesn’t say anything because… Well, he doesn’t know why. And that’s the sick part.

It’s not that he doesn’t think the members don’t care, no. It’s never that. They’re family. They love each other. Just two days ago Sicheng and Ten had come over for their weekly anime night because it was their thing and they loved hanging out with him. Kun had also spent a suspicious amount of time with Taeil five days ago when they went out to eat, (Taeil looking a lot brighter after that, but his shine had dimmed since then, and he was back to being a jittering mess) so yeah, they loved each other. But it was different after an album dropped. They all just kind of split apart, despite having to still be around one another because of the promotions.

Today, he had only seen Taeil when he left to go take a walk outside. Johnny had told him to bundle up, and be careful before returning back to the game on his phone. No one else had noticed that Taeil grabbed a gym bag just before leaving, despite them all being in the same room. Yes, Taeil is a grown man and can do what he wants, but this is just totally out of character. While Johnny spends most of his time at the gym, Taeil avoids it like the plague, perfectly content with his body and his health choices. So it’s weird, and Yuta is curious. So he follows him.

(He doesn’t think about how no one responds when he announces his leave, and tries to ignore the sinking feeling in his chest as the door clicks shut behind him.)

Taeil doesn't go on a walk, or to the gym like he suspected. If not the gym, then where else? _Where else would he pack a gym bag if... Oh. The practice rooms,_ his mind supplies, and he's speed walking to the SM building to stop whatever his gut is telling him is going on. There's some sort of sinking feeling, like the Titanic in the Atlantic Ocean, and he really really wants that feeling to stop.

Nobody questions why he's there. "Ah, an idol here for more practice, just like your friend," the lady at the desk says, and he gives her a tight lipped smile. He asks what room his friend has booked, says they needed to work on something together for an upcoming show, and the lady tells him the room number and wishes them luck.

Yuta says "Thanks, I'll need it," but for a different reason entirely.

When he peeks in the little window in the door, he can see Taeil practicing relentlessly on a certain part in the 'Kick It' choreography, sweat dripping off of him in buckets. He's only been here for—what, twenty, twenty-five minutes and he's already looking dead on his feet. 

Yuta opens the door, and lets the volume of the music shred his eardrums to pieces. He sees the gym bag in the corner, the lone bottle of water on the floor next to it, the half-eaten protein bar on the counter, and thinks that this is far worse than he thought.

"Taeil hyung," he tries saying over the music, but Taeil either can't hear him or ignores him and keeps dancing, brow furrowed in concentration. If Yuta wasn't so concerned, he'd make a joke about how hard the other is working to try and lighten the mood, but he knows that wouldn't work here.

"Hyung!" he tries again, slightly louder, but Taeil _still_ doesn't hear him. The sinking feeling in his chest makes it harder for him to breathe, and he wonders if he's having a panic attack.

 _"Hyung!"_ He yells, and finally Taeil stops dancing and looks over, almost face planting into his own sweat if Yuta hadn't caught him. 

Now, Taeil has always been on the lighter side with his weight, and he's small-bodied in general, so the fact that Yuta can pick the other up is no concern, but the fact that Taeil feels like a bag of feathers when he scoops him up bridal-style is a red flag. He feels like he weighs practically nothing, and now that they're closer than usual, he can see the sunkeness of his cheeks and the bags under his eyes. 

Yuta silently curses himself, his company, their _friends_ , for not noticing, because this is big. This is a really big and ugly demon that every idol has to deal with, and while most overcome it, some fall prey to the hurtful words that sink themselves into their skin.

Taeil was the prey, and Yuta was starting to feel like it too.

Walking over to the counter and grabbing the protein bar from off of it, he sets Taeil down against the wall opposite the giant mirrors and plops down next to him, both staring at their reflections across the room.

They both look like shit, and that makes him chuckle.

He turns to Taeil and analyzes the dead look in his eyes, the permanent frown lines taking place in his cheeks. Yuta doesn't want to see this look in Taeil's eyes, ever. It's a horrifying expression, one that he's seen on himself too many times.

He wraps his arms around Taeil's middle, giving him a side hug and nuzzling his nose in his hair. There's a hint of lavender under the sweat and grime, and that puts a little smile on his face. "What's going on hyung? Talk to me,"

Taeil only shrugs and plays with his fingers, foot swaying back and forth on the floor. He eats the protein bar so slowly like it hurts him to swallow, and Yuta honest to god feels like crying because he's never seen Taeil so broken before. He's always thought the older was unbreakable, so put together that nothing could take him apart.

Oh, how wrong he was.

"Y'know," he starts, brain not catching up to what he was word vomiting, "I've always thought that I've never been good enough for this group... Like, I know that I passed the audition and I'm talented, but next to Taeyong and Mark, Doyoung, Jaehyun, hell— _you,_ I'm just mediocre. I've never had more than 20 seconds of lines in a song and now that I have it, I feel like a failure. I feel like I've ruined all this somehow, like no one wants anything to do with me because I've screwed up so bad.

"You notice now that some of the guys only talk to me during practice? And if they talk to me in the dorms it's to tell me to shut up or something, keep the noise down or whatever. You realize how screwed up that is? How our teammates, our _brothers,_ have practically ignored us since the album released? Because I think that's fucked up, and we both work our asses off too much to get this kind of treatment,"

"Yuta," Taeil tries, but he's on a roll now, too fuelled by the silence and the blank looks.

"No, hyung! This isn't right! You, spending your time in this damn room trying and trying to get better while they all sit on their asses and joke and act like this is easy." He can see Taeil's face scrunch in the mirror, his hands shake slightly as he holds the bar against his chest. "You're hurting, hyung. You're not eating, not sleeping. I'm _worried,_ hyung. You gotta tell me what's going on,"

"Funny, how you say all this to me when the exact same thing is happening to you," Taeil remarks, then slowly breaks down as Yuta pulls him closer. They cry together, Taeil more than Yuta, but neither of them pay attention to that. Yuta understands that they're going through different versions of the same thing, and that if they're going to get through the next comeback and all the ones after, they're gonna need to be there for each other. He makes a promise to himself that he isn't going to let Taeil go too far into the dark, not without a friend by his side. 

It's a promise he's determined to keep.

His phone goes off once or twice, and the music had stopped playing long ago, and it's just the two of them in the practice room left in silence, both too tired to care. Yuta thinks about all the ways he's going to cheer Taeil up or confront the other members while Taeil sniffles into his neck, fingers twisting together again.

It takes them both a little while to get out of their heads, maybe half-an-hour if he's guessing, and when he looks over at Taeil again, he can see the clouded gaze has gone from his eyes, and though he doesn't physically look like it, he looks a lot lighter. The bags are still there and his face is a little sunken, but some shine has come back to him, like the clouds in his mind have parted a little and there's a tiny bit of sunshine poking through. _"He looks good,"_ Yuta decides, _"More like himself,"_

They lock eyes through the mirror, and start laughing together, so loud that Chenle pokes his head in the room to ask if they're alright. If he notices anything off about them, or wonders why the rest of 127 aren't with them, he doesn't ask about it, only joining them against the wall and tucking himself against Yuta's other side.

Surprisingly, the rest of Dream join them after Renjun swings open the door to the three of them playing with a deck of cards that Taeil had in his bag. Jeno scolds Chenle for running off, then settles down next to the young Chinese boy and asks to be dealt in next game. Renjun sits next to Taeil and puts his head on his shoulder while dragging Jaemin down next to him. To Yuta's surprise, Jisung hesitantly lays down and puts his head on his lap, shooting a shy smile up at him. Yuta doesn't hesitate to put a hand in the younger boy's hair and scratch his scalp, drawing out a sigh from the younger.

The eight of them play card game after card game, passing the time and laughing together as the day wears on. He doesn't look at his phone, and only focuses on the smiles of the people around him and the good feeling in his chest. Jaemin's laughter sounds like ringing bells, and Jisungs's soft snoring feels like home, wrapped up in a soft blanket with a cup of coffee in his hands. He notes that even if it isn't the 127 members around him, he still has people that are there for him, and that he doesn't have to put so much into everything he does to feel good. He can be himself, and still feel free.

He locks eyes with Taeil across their circle of friends and grins, because he knows they're going to be just fine.

**Author's Note:**

> No disrespect to the other members here, I just kinda made some stuff up as I went along. Take most of this with a grain of salt.
> 
> Side Note No.1: 'I Am Not Okay With This' is an AMAZING show Sophia and Wyatt did so well and I'm so fucking proud of them. 'Locke and Key' is also an amazing show go check them out on Netflix 
> 
> Side Note No2.: School got cut for 3 weeks so I'm gonna be able to write and upload more. Stay healthy y'all
> 
> Final Note: NEO ZONE IS ALBUM OF THE YEAR IT'S SO DAMN GOOOOOD STREAM KICK IT BINCHES


End file.
